Elfenders
by screamstar
Summary: The story goes on... A different kind of soap opera. Have a go, read it, honestly, nowhere near as boring as Eastenders has gotten lately. Cross my heart and hope to die and all that.
1. Default Chapter

_A/N - Okay, so new story. This chapter wasn't written by me, but both halves have to go together for it to make sense. Just let me know if you all want to see anymore :-) And pleeeease review. Thanks for reading :)_

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**My Awful Time**

I don't believe this. Me and Lomadia have been arguing. I have never properly argued with Lomadia. I feel like crap. Haldir is the only one who understands, but for once, I really don't care. I wanna be friends with Lomadia again. I feel like absolute crap not being friends with her. I thought I'd grown out of falling out with my friends when I was 500.

"Why are you still with me, Haldir? Why have you not left me?" 

"Because I love you."  
"But I'm a slut."  
"No you're not. Don't say things like that Elondra."  
"But I am. Even Lomadia thinks so now."  
"She's just angry. Let her calm down."  
"But I feel like complete crap. I never did it to hurt her."  
"I know you didn't. Don't put yourself down, Elondra."  
I started to cry, my head bent forward so my hair curtained my face. I didn't want Haldir to see me cry for some reason. "But I'm so alone!"  
OK, so this is what happened.  
  
Lomadia and Thranduil has an argument again. I don't see why they can't stop it, I love them both the same. Lomadia slept with Thranduil a long time ago, and that's why they argue now cuz she's going out with his son. Thranduil got angry and told her I'd slept with him, which is true enough. She wasn't angry at me, more him, cuz she expected it of me. After all, I have done Glorfindel before and I was bored without her. But then Thranduil told her about the time I slept with Legolas, a long long time ago. I was only 2800. Lomadia was really angry at me then. I tried to tell her that it was a long time ago, I appologised and I begged and pleaded but she wouldn't have it. I tried to explain, but my explanation sucked.  
"I'm sorry, Lomadia!" I cried, almost in tears "I never meant to!"  
"Oh so you accidentally slept with my fiance?"  
"He wasn't your fiance then! I was 2800 for crying out loud! My 2800th birthday actually! You know how much of an ale drinker I was then! I was young and free and I wanted to screw people! Legolas just happened to also be in need of a screw as well!"  
"Oh my god, Elondra!"  
"I know I'm not improving my case, but I think I've lied to you enough! That's how it happened! I'm so sorry, Lomadia, please, will you forgive me?"  
"How can I forgive you? You've slept with my fucking fiance! You know I had a crush on him too!"  
"Oh for fuck's sakes! Am I not aloud to screw someone just cuz you like him too? He could have rejected me, but he didn't! Don't push all the blame on me! Anyways, you can't talk cuz I know for a fact you shagged Haldir years ago! So your hardly in a positon to preach to me, are you? I've never got mad at you for it, even though there is no difference between me sleeping with Legolas years ago and you sleeping with Haldir years ago, so just shut it!"  
"Well, Haldir's just like Thranduil. A he-slut."  
I was going to slap her then but I couldn't do it. Something inside stopped me from kicking the shit out of her. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was our 2915 year long friendship, but I'm not sure. "I don't care what you say about me, Lomadia, but never insult Haldir, he hasn't done anything."  
"He's a slapper."  
"Well then I guess me and him go well together don't we? And I think it's Legolas that's the slapper, so then you and him are very well suited, aren't you?!"  
"Don't give me that shit, Elondra! Don't you fucking give me that shit!"  
I think I broke down into tears at this part. Only because I saw my strongest friendship gradually drifting away. "I'm sorry! But you know what I was like at that age, Lomadia. I flirted with everyone. I flirted with your father at times, remember? I just met Legolas at Thranduil's party, in Mirkwood, remember, we were both there. I flirted with Legolas, he responded, I screwed him! I never meant for it to go that far, but it did. And I couldn't bring myself to say no, cuz I was having too much fun. It was really stupid of me, to risk our friendship for an hour of fun, but I did, and what's done can't be undone, and both Legolas and I have moved on from then. It was 125 years ago. I am so sorry, Lomadia, you know I am, but I really wouldn't blame you at all if you never ever spoke to me again."  
And I went home cuz I hate being yelled at.  
  
I'm going home soon. My real home in Lothlorien. I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to. But there's someone I have to talk to first, and he lives in Mirkwood. But I'm going alone.  
  
Found Thranduil in the forest and I pulled his hair. "You little bastard!"  
"Ow! Elondra!" Thranduil seemed bewildered, although I'm pretty sure he knew what was wrong straight away "What have I done?"  
"You had to tell her didn't you? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about! You just had to tell Lomadia about me and Legolas, didn't you?"  
"I'm sorry, Elondra. I thought she'd blame me, I never knew she'd get angry at you."  
"You couldn't just have kept your mouth shut, could you? Just because you hate her and she hates you, you have to go and ruin my friendship with her! Why can't you both just stop acting so amazingly childishly, and just get along! I mean, I slept with Legolas, but I'm cool with him, I'm not always at his throat. In fact, I've slept with a lot of dudes, but I'm not always at their throats. Like you, for example, and Glorfindel, and Colas, well OK Colas is dead but..."  
"You and Lomadia will make it up."  
"We've never argued before, not properly. Only childish little fights about who's better looking Figwit or Forfin and stuff like that. Now I've lost two really good friends."  
"Two?"  
"Yes." I got back on my horse "Goodbye, Thranduil."  
"Elondra! You're not breaking friends with me, are you?"  
"Yes. Namarie." and I rode away.  
  
I tell a lie. Glorfindel understands. I can talk to Glorfindel. I'm so glad I'll always have Glorfindel.

I was sitting at home. Haldir was still at work. I was reading when I heard a knock at the door. A rap-rap-rap-raprap. That was Lomadia's knock. I heaved myself up and answered the door. It was Lomadia.  
"Elondra!" she said.  
"Lomadia?" I replied.  
"Oh Elondra! We have to talk about this!" and she gave me a hug.  
We sat down inside and she explained why she had come.  
"Look, I was around, to see Gran, and I saw Haldir, and he managed to persuade me to come and talk to you. I know it hurts when you think how I slept with Haldir, and you know I feel the same about you sleeping with Legolas. But you're right, it's all done now, and I don't want to lose you as a friend simply cuz we both did some stupid things when we were younger. I'm sorry I got angry at you, Elondra."  
"It's OK, Lomadia. There's nothing to forgive. You had good reason to be angry. I'm sorry too, I should never have done it, not that night. Or I should have told you sooner. Instead of letting you hear it from Thranduil years later."  
Well, we had a hug and made up. It feels a lot better to have made up now. And I agreed to make up with Thranduil. And to go to Mirkwood with her and Legolas tomorrow.  
Also, I found out why she was so distraught when she caught me and Haldir shagging against the broad swords in Elrond's armoury. Apparently, she caught Legolas and Gimli doing the same one time on the quest. I am glad Gili won't be there tomorrow, or I'd die from laughing and being disturbed.  
"That must have been gross!"  
"It was."  
"I'd have committed suicide."  
"I felt like it, believe me."  
I confessed to having slept with Elrohir and Elladan. Lomadia just laughed, surprised that people would go near them.  
Elrond has gone off to the Undying Lands without her.  
  
Beat the crap out of Thranduil. Legolas found it funny. He doesn't think a woman like me can fight, but I can! I kicked Thranduil in the bollocks as my finali. Then we hugged. Lomadia thinks this is a little strange, but she and Legolas joined in all the same.  
While we pur red flashes in Lomadia's hair,. Legolas and Thranduil fell asleep. Then we decided to go to the pub. Man, ever since hanging with Merry and Pippin, I have been a big ale drinker.  
Lomadia slapped loads of girl that were hitting on Legolas. I wanted to join in, so I slapped some that hit on Thranduil. Heh heh!  
  
Haldir's got a holiday for a few weeks, so we can go back to Rivendell with Lomdia and Legolas.  
  
Elrohir and Elladan came back when we were at Rivendell. They're coming to Gondor with us. Should be fun. Not really. They are big stupid elves. They only talk about killing, shagging, porn and other 'guy stuff'. Legolas slaped them both round the head for annoying Lomadia, then Haldir knocked them out for shagging me. OK it was before we were engaged, during the period where he refused to admit he lurved me, but who cares? They need a good beatin'.  
  
Elrohir and Elledan better than they were. Not so pervy or stupid. Maybe a good knock out is what they needed. Before all they did was try and get me to show them my panties.  
Keeping my distance from Legolas in case Lomadia changes her mind about being my friend. I still talk to him, cuz we're still friends. I think Lomadia and Haldir are gradually becoming friends too. Good, cuz I don't want them fighting at my wedding.  
  
Lomadia is wearing ridiculous shoes for walking. I can tell they are starting to hurt her although she hides it. She should wear sensible Elven New Rocks, like I do.  
  
I take that back. Elven New Rocks are so not sensible.  
  
Oh yes! You may have noticed I have taken to writing in pink pen! That is because Celeborn gave it me as a "Welcome To Lothlorien, Elondra. And Congratulations On Your Engagment To Haldir" present. He is such a nice guy. And he has a hot ass.

Not as hot as Haldir's though.


	2. Chapter 1 Lomadia

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_A/N - To my lovely singular reviewer :) I did write something about before this, it's finally finished, some of it is uploaded now, but I'm taking that off and resubmitting it newly edited and beta'd :D_

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**Ouch, that's gotta hurt - By Lomadia**

Yet another stupid argument with Thranduil.  
  
'Why my son though? Can't you find another elf prince to use?'  
  
'I am not using him!'  
  
'Yes you are!'  
  
'I assure you, he is using me.'  
  
'What? Don't you dare insult my so.. Oh, that's what you mean?'  
  
'Well, like father, like son'. I don't know whether the grin there was appropriate.  
  
'Don't you bring that up again Lomadia? I was very, very drunk. And I had had a lot of pipe weed.'  
  
'Not the 37th time you hadn't...'  
  
'You do know that if Legolas finds out about this we will both be for it.'  
  
'Thranduil, you have been there, had this.'  
  
'Lomadia, I know I have. So have half the elves in middle earth.'  
  
I slapped him.  
  
'There is no way half. Maybe Elondra has had half...'  
  
I didn't like the look on his face.  
  
'Oh dear Elbereth. You haven't, have you?'  
  
He just looked away.  
  
'You have...  
  
'Any more revelations you would like to share?'  
  
'Well, I used to go out with Celebrian years ago.'  
  
'My mother. My mother. You found the need to share that with me. Oh shit. I have the same taste in men as my mother. Anything else that might ruin my psyche for sure?'  
  
'Ah, you mean like Legolas shagging Elondra?'  
  
It was that grin. Yup. Legolas' bitchy grin.  
  
'Oh yes. You just had to finish it off, you bastard! Don't fucking lie about shit like this Thranduil.'  
  
'What makes you say I'm lying?'  
  
'Because Elondra would not do that to me!'  
  
'Do what? She was here in Mirkwood for a bit, they hooked up. How do you think I met her?'  
  
'Well, I figured one of your parties... Back to the damn point! She would not do that to me!'  
  
'Well get used to it! She would, and she did.'  
  
I'm off to find Elondra. I need some questions answered.  
  
Later  
  
Found the daft little slapper. I hate her so much. She did you know. Yep. Apparently on her 2800th birthday, at the party as well. You know, we were both ogling him that night.  
  
I've never argued properly with her before. This is awful. I don't like it at all, but that punky little tart deserves it. Resorted to calling Arwen. She took Elondra's side. Said it wasn't her fault, she was like that. Said I was being a hypocrite. I asked her why. She said because I had shagged Haldir years ago. I said that didn't matter. Haldir is just like Thranduil. A He-Slag.

Later

Well that's it. I'm well and truly screwed. Legolas isn't back yet, I'm not talking to Elondra, Thranduil hates me more than ever, oh and before I forget, dad has buggered off without me! Yes, he did!

'Lomadia, come on, we're leaving.'

'Do I actually care? I can't go without Legolas!'

'Legolas isn't going to go, you know that.'

'Yes he is, and he is going with me!'

'No he isn't! You know that really! And it isn't him you are waiting for. You want to make up with your friends before you leave. Well it is too late, so come on!'

'Do I actually look like someone who gives a shit? Now fuck off to the undying lands without me if you like. Go on!'

'Fine Lomadia, act like a child.'

And he just walked right out of there. I don't care. I like it here.

Later

I found a letter on the table in my study with my name on it.

'Dear Lomadia,

I'm sorry I had to leave like this. I wanted you and Arwen with me. Elrohir and Elladan can take care of themselves, or so I thought. Maybe they can. But I suppose you can too. You proved that by what you did.

You'll be remembered for years; although I have a feeling it will end soon. Don't be mad at me, I only wanted the best for all of you. I know you will be very happy here on Middle Earth, just don't forget that one day you may want to leave, and there might not be a chance for you.

You will of course be happy with your friends.

I am leaving you as my heir, everything I have I pass to you.

Namarie.'

Do I normally get hay fever around this time of year?

DAY...

In light of dad going ahead and buggering off over the sea, and leaving ME here to deal with Arwen, have decided to go stay in Lothlorien for a bit. Legolas has agreed to go with, so he can take a few day trips back to Mirkwood. Y'know, publicity stuff. And the hidden city in the woods provides pretty damn good protection from screaming fan girls. He seems to have had a lot more of those since the Fellowship. Dunno why. They only bothered him a bit before. Is it something about a guy that saves the world that women like? Well, all the same, I had better keep an eye out. Arwen has had no end of shit since she married Aragorn, and he is an ugly bugger.  
  
But then again, the hate mail may be more to do with the fact that she is the bitch queen of Imladris rather than her husband. I dunno.  
  
Next day.  
  
Packed and ready to go. This reminds me a bit too much of a trip I kind of wish had never happenned. But then again, my shag count would be a lot lower if I hadn't. Yet again, there would be an upside; it wouldn't include Olorin.  
  
Later  
  
In Lothlorien. Going to go see gran later. Thankfully, Haldir has been replaced as guard by Orophin. Whaddya know?  
  
Settling quite nicely into rented house. I likes it. Plumbing seems good enough. And there is good security in this part of the city. Niceness.  
  
Later  
  
Went to see Gran. Had a little word with Haldir, who has been promoted to a nice inside job. He said I should go see Elondra.  
  
'Go see her. Go on!'  
  
'No bloody way Haldir. You know what she did to me.'  
  
'She didn't do anything worse than what you did to her!'  
  
'Correction Haldir. We. Last time I checked, it took two elves to make little elves. Or no little elves. If we're careful. Not the point! We were both in that!'  
  
'Well, then her and Legolas both did this to you. Just go see her! I've known you for years Lomadia, and it's bad enough that we can't be friends now because of this, but you are best friends with Elondra, don't let that all go over something as stupid as this. And she is really hurting. Too.'  
  
I got kind of fidgety at that point.  
  
'Okay then. But you are keeping the blame for this. And Legolas apologised quite a few times. In the hot tub.'  
  
On the other hand, don't think that gran needed to witness this little tiff. I think, even in her state, she gathered that this meant I had shagged her most trusted advisor. Ouchies.  
  
So am going to see Elondra. Is this a good idea? Why am I asking a piece of paper questions about my life? Why can't I stop asking the questions?  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
Went to see Elondra. Actually, it is quite nice being made back up. I missed her loads. But she admitted to something I would rather have never known.  
  
'Lomadia? I thought you had gone away!'  
  
"Oh Elondra! We have to talk about this! And nope. I kinda blanked that particular possibility when I told dad to fuck off if he wanted to. So he left me here with Arwen.'  
  
'Ouch. So no undying lands for you then?'  
  
'Well, yeah, for now anyways. Or at least until dad forgets that I have actually learned how to swear. I think our parting was a bit less tragic than him and Arwen. Look, I was around, to see Gran, and I saw Haldir, and he managed to persuade me to come and talk to you. I know it hurts when you think how I slept with Haldir, and you know I feel the same about you sleeping with Legolas. But you're right, it's all done now, and I don't want to lose you as a friend simply cuz we both did some stupid things when we were younger. I'm sorry I got angry at you, Elondra."  
  
"It's OK, Lomadia. There's nothing to forgive. You had good reason to be angry. I'm sorry too, I should never have done it, not that night. Or I should have told you sooner. Instead of letting you hear it from Thranduil years later.There is one tiny little thing more though. I kind of shagged Elrohir and Elladan.'  
  
I just laughed.  
  
'You mean someone actually shagged one of them? Let alone both? No, hang on, I don't really want to know this. Sorry, just the idea that anyone would go near those pair.'  
  
'Well, actually..'  
  
I just had to interrupt her there. That was too much for me to know.  
  
Honestly, how drunk was Elondra? Sorry, but just the idea that any woman can go within five leagues of those pair without then having to take out a restraining order amuses me no end. That beating from Haldir must have sorted them out, no question about it. For one, I have not yet found an illicit copy of PlayElf left around. And after what Glorfindel told them (he told half of Rivendell actually), they have scanned every issue of it for Elondra. And I say scanned in the widest sense of the word. Well, widest and perviest.  
  
'Woah! Enough! They are my brothers!'  
  
'Sorry...'  
  
'S'okay. So, what you been getting up to since I supposedly left?'  
  
'Well, some moping. And some lurking. But then I went back to moping, cuz I like that more, and it takes less energy.'  
  
'Nice.'  
  
'And you?'  
'Well, not a lot. There was when I told dad to, um, 'Fuck off to the undying lands if you like, do I look like a person who gives a shit?'. And then I got bored of being in Rivendell, 'cos dad left me in charge, 'cos Elrohir and Elladan are never there. And being in charge of a country sucks ass. So I left it to Ison. At least he won't harass my hand maidens. The last time, I left Glorfindel in charge, and all he did was try to get a shag. His pick up lines normally included that he was in charge of the country for now, would they like to test out the royal bed. So I had to get rid of him, or I just wouldn't get to do anything.So I put Ison in charge, so I could go hunting and stuff.'  
  
'Aren't you a bit pissed off?'  
  
'Why would I be?'  
  
'Well, Arwen gets to be Queen of Elves and Men, and she does bugger all, and you have to do all the bloody work.'  
  
'Normally I would, but I don't care. After we get a bit of rest, me and Legolas are just gonna go travelling anyway, so I don't want to be left as queen of some crappy little country at home. This way, I can leave Ison in charge, and not get any grief for it. One thing that sucks though, Gimli is coming with us. And that sounds worse than you think.'  
  
'Why? What happenned?'  
  
'Well, at helm's deep, before the battle, I kind of caught him and Legolas shagging in the armoury. Up against the broadswords.'  
  
'Ah. Now that explains a lot.'  
  
'Yup. That is why I acted just a bit disturbed when I saw you and Haldir, well, making up, in dad's armoury.'  
  
'I see.'  
  
'So, when are you getting married?'  
  
'Well, soon I hope. Got a really cool black dress.'  
  
'Cool. It sucks, I have to wear red. Family tradition or something. That bites. I don't suit red. I'd much rather have black. But Thranduil took a proper tizzy when I said I was wearing that black dress, you know that one Lomia gave me?'  
  
'Yeah, the, um, the pulling dress wasn't it?'  
  
'Well, yeah. Maybe he had a point.'  
  
'Nah. Thranduil never has a point. What's the point of him even being born?'  
  
'To produce Legolas.'  
  
'Ahhh. There is that.'  
  
'You know, I have already beat the shit out of him. Feel free to do the same. Legolas wasn't too happy I kicked the crap out of his father, but y'know.'  
  
'I think I might.'  
  
'But then again, that would make it a bit hard for you and him to make up.'  
  
'What makes you think I would ever want to make up with him?'  
  
'Because I know both of you. And he is upset. And you are too. I can tell. And I can't see you ever being truly happy without one of your best friends back.'  
  
'Aww, that's so beautiful Lomadia. But I know you know we will make up. I do remember you have foresight. Kind of part of your lineage.'  
  
'Yeah, there is that...'  
  
'I'll go see him tomorrow.'  
  
'Good, we're going there anyway. I need some help planning this bloody wedding. Arwen hasn't even got time for her own sister these days.'  
  
'Would you?'  
  
'If we switched places? Hell no.'  
  
Laughed together. Just like old times. This rules!  
  
Next Day  
  
Went to Mirkwood. You know, Elondra and Legolas weren't even that bad around each other. I suppose now that I don't really care any more, it doesn't make sense them not talking. Gimli has buggered off home for a bit. I just keep telling myself, he ain't no Durin, he's gotta go some time. Soon. How long do dwarves live for anyway? Half a millenium? Why can't they just give that extra time to hobbits? Hobbits are cool, and some of them are cute. Like Merry and Frodo. And pretty tiny. Guess if I can't take Legolas some place with me, Merry would be a good travel size alternative.  
  
So are rid of Gimli for a few weeks. Which is probably better for Elondra's psyche, not having to imagine that.  
  
Saw Thranduil. Elondra beat the crap out of him. Legolas just watched and laughed. Said it was funny seeing his oh-so-tough father getting his ass kicked by a woman. Which earned him a slap round the back of the head.  
  
'What?'  
  
'What, pray tell, is so humorous.'  
  
Uh-oh. First a slap, now me talking properly. He knew he was in trouble.  
  
'Um, nothing, just Elondra doesn't seem like the type to be beating up people.'  
  
'Well, she is just as tough as me, so get used to it!'  
  
'Okay! It's just so funny to see her beat him up.'  
  
'Well, they've been friends for years. And a bit more if you remember.'  
  
He stopped then. That was something he certainly didn't need to remember.  
  
'Done yet Elondra?'  
  
'Yup, just a moment.'  
  
She delivered a killer kick to the crotch.  
  
I couldn't help myself.  
  
'Ouch. That looks sore. Poor Thranduil...'  
  
Even Legolas got fits of the giggles. Giggling isn't very manly, but he seemed to carry it off quite well.  
  
Thranduil actually managed to speak. Albeit in an unnatural soprano.  
  
'Legolas Greenleaf, you will stop that right now, and come help me. Or you can both just bugger off to Gondor to get married at some cheap human wedding.'  
  
He faked some coughs, and went to help. I really wanted to say 'Gladly', but he saw that coming and just shook his head. Elondra decided to be the bigger elf.  
  
'Now, as for us making up.'  
  
'Okay.' He ran over and hugged her. Talk about dysfunctional, those pair have the monopoly on it. I even got into the spirit and joined the group hug. As did Legolas. Sweet.  
  
Next day  
  
After several discussions about whether red goes with my complexion and a decision to put red flashes in my hair too, during which both Thranduil and Legolas fell asleep, we decided to go get some sleep. And then thought better of it and went out to the pub. Decided that waking Thranduil up would be mean. But waking Legolas up was too noisy not to wake hm up.  
  
You know, it must have been really really boring for them. Why didn't they just sleep with their eyes open? At least feign an interest. That is one Elven ability that really is handy. Especially when you are getting a big lecture from Aragorn. He seems to do a pretty good impression of my dad when he is telling me off. Damn. Stupid human.  
  
Went out to local. Where we had to put up with about five women an hour coming on to Legolas and/or Thranduil. See? It wasn't me or Elondra's fault. They are both just irresistable. Got a few pints down us before going home. Slapping a few of those ones who came onto Legolas was quite fun actually. Elondra had a go at a few who came onto Thranduil too. No harm in an unfair fight, is there?  
  
Went home to get some sleep. I needed it.  
  
We've decided to go back to Lothlorien, and then back to Rivendell for a bit. To be honest, getting a bit sick of trees. Elondra has agreed to come with us, and is going to ask Haldir if he can get a few weeks holiday to go as well.  
  
Next day  
  
Back in Lothlorien. Gran agreed to giving Haldir a few weeks holiday to come with us. It's going to be fun. At least a few weeks of getting back to us both annoying Glorfindel will be. We're talking about going to Gondor to see Arwen for a bit too. Apparently her and Elondra got quite close while I was away, and she is missing her. Well, no accounting for taste. I just want to go annoy Aragorn a bit more.  
  
Could always go do a bit of import export from the Shire...


End file.
